I finally found my Happy
When you think “A Mother’s Love“, you normally think that there is no love greater than that out side of the love of God. A lot of us fail to make the mental connection of what that really means. A mother’s love is one of the purest things in life. After having my daughter, I can honestly say that I never understood what love really was or what it meant to experience “happy”. I gave birth to my beautiful little girl on September 10th of this year. I survived both the journey of pregnancy and the pain of giving birth. Women go though so much… After what I have experienced, I have to say that we are some amazing creatures.
I feel like my daughter was no accident, she saved my life. When she was the size of a sweet pea and I knew that she was growing inside of me, she became priority number one in my life. When I thought of some of the things that parenting entailed, I couldn’t stop thinking, “I have to do better with my life”. The broken relationship that she was conceived out of no longer mattered. The objects and people that didn’t mean any good to me were all being stripped out of my life whether I removed them or not. At the time, God was moving but I didn’t understand what was going on. My pregnancy was the start of me taking things a step further by being brutally honest with myself about some painful truths that I swore I’d never confront. My pregnancy has made me bolder. When I found out about this life that I was carrying, I had to make an honest decision: Go hardER and do better or kill yourself…
Before my daughter was made, I was so unsatisfied with life. On the outside, you couldn’t tell. I had a nice loft apartment in the city. I would go to bed high in the clouds and awake to the Atlanta skyline greeting me “good morning”. I had always been a hard worker and was accustomed to having my own everything. Money wasn’t a major worry. I released a mixtape and went on to further establish myself as a journalist through my website BlaqKarma. On the outside, I looked happy. I was the silly girl that always made everyone around me laugh (which I still am) but inside, I was dying. The tears of a clown is something serious.
Everything looked good but it wasn’t that good. I worked a 9 to 5 that I absolutely hated. I loved the connections that I made but I was over “it”. I knew that God blessed me with far too much talent to waste away working in a kitchen for a company that really didn’t give a damn about their employees. I grew to a point where I began to notice things that I didn’t like. From there, I began to question those things out loud to myself. I had to virtually hear the questions be asked. How did it sound? That way, I was doing two things: I was being real with myself and admitting that there was a problem… I deserved to find happiness and understand what that really means. I would literally ask, “What is it going to take?” A part of me was content with just remaining where I was and another part of me knew that I deserved and was capable of doing more.
I feel like God answered that simple question with my daughter. For me, the blessing of knowing that I am really responsible for molding another life is enough to make me push a little bit harder. In addition to making me calm down on some unpretty things such as a nasty temper, when I first got to hold my daughter and we looked at each other with identical facial expressions that said, ” OMG, You’re real?!?!” I have been truly happy. Even on the days that she is fussy and keeps me up, I hold her little body up and watch her cry. I smile. This feeling is very unfamiliar. I am happy.