How Pregnancy has made me shrink my social circle.
When I made the choice to go through with my pregnancy, I really didn’t know the extent of the changes that it would have on my life. I said it before and I’ll say it again with no shame: my pregnancy was not a planned one. In fact, everyone in my family just knew that I would NOT be the one to have a tribe of children especially considering how I was the oldest girl and I was always looking after my younger sisters growing up. I had just gotten out of a relationship with my daughter’s father on very messed up terms. He broke more than just my heart, he tried to break me as a woman. The choice to keep her lied solely on me. The majority of the people that I was surrounded by advised me to get rid of her, including her father. I did the opposite. Instead of taking a trip to the clinic, I kept her safe in my womb. I felt that if I made the decision to kill her, I would kill my self in the long run.
With that being said, because I chose to be a mother to my daughter and not end her life, I knew that I would be embarking on this journey of motherhood alone (without her dad). The realization of that tore me to pieces in the beginning. I stayed depressed during the early stage of my pregnancy. It was alarming. It seemed like only certain people were placed in my life to help me get through the hurt that I was going through. All I could think was, ” I’m going to do this… How am I going to do this?” Flashing forward to now, I laugh. It’s funny because she isn’t even here yet and she has already changed my life for the better. I meet my angel for the first time in less than a month from now. I am sooooo nervous. Since being pregnant, I have literally watched myself grow up in ways that I never thought imaginable. Trust me, I was pretty grown before. I always worked, kept a roof over my head, and paid my own way. However, since being striped of everything and going through mommyhood alone, I have watched myself evolve and become more vocal about things. I have also raised my standards much higher than what they ever were. The bare minimum will no longer suffice. One thing that has happened that I never thought would have occurred was the changes within my social circle. I have established a few new meaningful relationships since my daughter’s existence and I have let go of a lot of old ones (most that really weren’t good for me in the first place).
Severing some of these relationships hurt while others didn’t. It simply just had to happen. One thing that pregnancy has done is made me more grounded as an individual. The bachlorette life no longer appeases me. I look forward to watching my daughter take her first steps and watching her personality develop. My judgement is no longer foggy. Plain and simple: If you aren’t for me, then you don’t need to be around me. Some from my old circle don’t understand my changes while others respect it. I do not think that I am better than anybody but I do believe that I am better than a lot of the things that I used to do and put up with. I am going to be raising my daughter by myself, With that being said, I cannot slack in any way what-so-ever. Things that I used to love and never thought I’d break away from now seem to be unworthy of the time and energy to pursue and keep up with. All I care about these days is building, succeeding, and being the best mother to my daughter. That is the very least that I can do for her.
Parenthood has made me more business minded and sensible. Not every change was initially embraced in the beginning. Today as I whine and moan through my final month of this journey of the raging hormones, expanding wasteline, swollen feet, and even bouts of the baby blues, I thank God for my experience. Evelyn’s presence has forced me to make necessary changes in my life that I should have done a long time ago. With that being said, I welcome a smaller social circle.