Farewell to my mother, the narcissist.
One thing that I have learned from my mother is that, it is okay to be a narcissist. It is okay to be self-absorbed and care solely about your feelings. It is okay to overtly force your parenting responsibilities on your daughter and claim that it is sibling duties. In the mind of a narcissist, your children are your emotional punching bags, you abuse them. Most of all, never share a beautiful moment with your daughter. Also, remind her that she is a “stupid mother fucker” for going to school instead of staying home during her senior year of high school to watch her sibling….
This is a fraction of how my mother’s narcissism has crippled my self-esteem and mindset. Now that I am grown and a mother myself, I strive to break the negative effects that narcissism has formed my life. I refuse to become that woman.
I have also learned from my mother that it is okay to belittle your children and never apologize because, at the end of the day, they are just children. Judging according to her actions, children do not have a soul and are not capable of feeling hurt or pain at any age. I am no saint. Trust me, I have never pretended to be one. However, I am that little black girl, now grown woman, with feelings and painful memories of being a bag of weight there for my mother to release negative energy and emotions on.
When I was younger, and she would do something that wasn’t right to me, she would apologize for her wrong. Something changed after she had more children and I got older. It’s almost as if she is not a human being. Somehow, she isn’t capable of messing up or doing wrong. She grew the need to no longer correct a wrong or even acknowledge it after she had more children.
Things came to a head on my senior year of high school. It was January. School had only been back in session for a few weeks and I was literally missing every other day. The reason for my absences were my mother. She kept taking me out of school so that I could stay home to watch my infant sister while she went to go work at a daycare center. She had just unexpectedly parted ways with my sister’s father.
Til this day, it is as if the memory of her kicking me out, degrading me at school in front of students, and treating me lower than dirt never happened. That was the first time My mother called me a “bitch” because I refused to continue to take on her responsibilities anymore. My mother’s relationship died that week and I had to feel the wrath. HE left and I was there to be the only one that my mother could take her emotions out on. (There is more back story as to why I went to school but this post is already long enough)
My mother failed me again shortly after my grandmother died. After being in a bad situation where I was sexually taken advantage of. My mother ridiculed me. She asked if I reported the incident but was pissed off about it. It wasn’t the fact that I was traumatized after being violated. She was more upset at the fact that I went out by myself the evening the incident occurred and that I did not inform police. Like a true narcissist, she turned the situation on herself.
Her “pain” had absolutely nothing to do with me. I honestly feel that she would have been happier if I had died that night. For a long time afterwards, I wished I did. I am just now getting to a point where I know that that situation was not my fault. Because of how my mother reacted,I felt worthless on top of having non-consensual sex. I chose not to inform the police when it happened because I was humiliated. As if that wasn’t enough, I also felt that the cops wouldn’t do anything. I did not want to relive the horror in details so they could write down notes. I did not want to expose myself. To this day, my assailant is unknown.
I had to confront the issue of narcissism when I realized that there were a few behaviors that I picked up from her. When I literally saw myself becoming my mother with my 3 year old, I said “No ma’am”. I will not be that nurturer turned negative force in her life. That is when I realized that what my mother did to me was bigger than myself. I realized that my healing, and future of my daughter’s self-esteem and self-worth, starts with me. I had to confront my issues with this demon known as “mom”.
To my Mother:
The fact that you are highly educated, holding 3 degrees and you claim to have no recollection of these things is absolutely sickening. Nobody is that stupid… I have tried to extend an olive branch to you on several occasions. You have managed to snap every branch extended. At this point, the damn bush is dead. There are no more olive branches to extend.
Furthermore, I never alienated myself from my family. I cut off contact with you and your messy sister. You guys have shown me the very definition of fake since I was a little girl. The sad part is, y’all don’t even like each other. What made me cut you off from me even telling you anything going on in my life was two events: Your illogical reaction and you copying and pasting a private Facebook conversation to you nosy ass sister. You were so sloppy, that you copied what I just wrote in the chat box and pasted my words back to me. What made it even worse was, you tried to act like you didn’t do it. BUSTED!
I do not deal with you because you are a hypocrite. Your actions have only proven that you are not trustworthy. When I informed you of my pregnancy, you were quick to ridicule me. Never mind the fact that I was 27 years old having my first baby. Unlike you, I was not 19 years old and fresh out of high school.
When I found out that I was pregnant, I really did not want to tell you. You are nosy to the point where it is disrespectful. However, I gave you the benefit of the doubt and shared the good news with you. Instead of showing any ounce of happiness that you would receive your first grandchild, You chastised me because, sadly, that is what you do best. As I write this and think back, I don’t think you are capable of being loving or positive. If it’s not your way, it’s wrong. You are a master manipulator. One that is un trustworthy. That is why I do not fool with you.
As mothers, our children do not owe us anything for bringing them here. At the end of the day, if you decide to birth a child AND RAISE IT, you have volunteered to be a nurturer, protector, and provider. No one has placed a gun to your head and told you to have sex. More importantly, you ALWAYS have a choice. As your child, I am not indebted to you because you decided to to go though with a pregnancy and keep me. I came to this reasoning once I became a mother. I had a choice to make: give life or not. If you chose to give life and keep it, that does not mean that you have a human punching bag for life.
In Conclusion. Dear Mom: